Saturday, September 26, 2009

Recent Photo of Tori Spelling

Meh, I think she looks nicely thin but this is coming from my distorted ana viewpoint that can be soooo very bitchy so take that with a grain of salt.

All things considered, not bad.

Last night's date, in which I was worried about my swollen legs/ankles/feet being noticed, came off fine after all. I wore loose-legged flare pants with a fitted waist and looked fine. We even ended up getting busy in the shower and he didn't notice...then again, men can get nicely distracted when you're having sex so I shouldn't have been so worried. :) Dinner came off fine: he made salmon and mushrooms sauteed in BUTTER and I lightly grilled fresh (no oil or butter) asparagus to go with it. I was able to cut large chunks of the the salmon/butter steak and drop into my napkin to give the impression of eating almost the entire thing. He was thrilled and excited to see me eat with "such an appetite!"Now when people say to him that I'm looking thin, he can vouch that he's eaten with me and I'm fine. Tossed the wine in my dark-colored glass for Pierre water and the evening came off very well.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


So now back home.

Back from the overseas galavanting, I am so freaking grateful to report that things were fabulous. I also learned that it's not working out obsessively for 90-120 mins a day that makes me's simply restricting cals. I wasn't able to keep up my gym routine in Italy, obviously, and that intially had me really stressed. But then I adapted by running around the streets of where I was staying for 40-50 mins in the mornings, and walking everywhere. And I lost weight! I was surprised! I was only jogging 45 mins/day and then walking around and still losing weight? And here at home I've been working out hard for over an hour daily and thinking that would make it come off faster. But simply restricting and hardly consuming calories made the most difference.

So, that was a nice surprise. I return thinner and everyone's been commenting on me being too thin and losing weight while vacationing in Italy with the world-famous cuisine. Which is wonderful, it's so so so amazing when you finally get to the point of being on the "too thin" side. You work so long and so hard to get to that point, you have to just simply savor it for a bit.

My only issue is this horrid swelling of my legs, ankles and feet every evening. Like really swollen. I've been reading online about "edema" with people with EDs. I'm not sure exactly what nutrient it is that my body needs to make things circulate better again. I'll take it in a heartbeat when I find out. I read about protein difficiencies, so last night I ate a half can of tuna and I drink about 2-3 cups of milk and have about 1-2 cups of yogurt a day to keep going. I guess I need more protein? The swelling is awful and very very embarrassing. I can't go out without big-legged pants on because it's so noticeable! I have a date tomorrow night and I'm hoping to death that I can sit on the floor, lounge on the couch with my legs propped up, and keep moving around to keep the circulation going so that my legs won't get so swollen. It's ridiculous. I'm hoping if I eat a bit of protein each day (i.e. tuna, egg whites, steamed pollack, salmon) that it will start to ease up...eeesh. Anyone else ever deal with this??

Over the weekend my legs were really ache-y, like to the point I could hardly lift my legs because my thighs were so achey with muscle soreness. That's when I really started to get alarmed and sat down to research what I can find on the internet. Hence eating the tuna last night, and a half cup of blueberries and a head of lettuce for the day. And a head of lettuce the day before, along with the milk and the yogurt as usual.

If anyone's heard of this, knows any suggestions or has any thoughts...I am def all ears!

As always, thanks SO much for listening/reading.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Pressure's On

These are the times I'm grateful for an espressive outlet to share anxiety with those who truly understand. I've traveled 2 weeks solo in Italy and have been absolutely thrilled to find I can do it, keep thin, feel good and stay on top of my game. It's one thing to travel and do it solo; EDs are easy to maintain when you're on your own! But today I meet up with my Italian girlfriend to stay with her for the weekend, with her wedding on Saturday. I'll be staying with her and other wedding guests for the weekend, participating in the preparations and all the traditional wedding festivities. On one hand, how cool to experience an Italian wedding! On the other hand, yikes. I've gotten so deliciously comfortable being on my own that joining people again and getting myself through the 6-8 course Italian meals, wines, discos, etc will be...interesting. As an ana, I'm not worried about temptation. Shit, I can go for days on sugar-free gum, breathmints, diet coke (er, "Coke Light" here in Europe) and a bit of milk or yogurt. It's the avoidance of food in social situations that can be a dance. However, I find it's better when you're in groups or crowds-people don't notice as you toss your food into a napkin or hide under potato skins or whatever.

So off I go! It's only 2 1/2 days...this eve through Sun morning. I can do that. I appreciate your interest and compassion as always!! Thanks so very much for reading.

Ciao for now...more to come. If I can do it, you can too, right? Helps to hear how others manage because you gain confidence in yourself.

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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Finally getting there

Trying to upload pics via my Blackberry as I'm traveling. Ladies, gents, whomever: let me assure you--when you set your mind on your goal, TRULY, you WILL reach it.

I was petrified to travel overseas for two weeks because I was afraid of missing workouts and not being able to continue my weight loss. But my mind was set when I took flight, prepared with a little "self-motivation" thinspo folder of images and affirmations to read if I needed. I also picked up fashion magazines from abroad to study the images and become them.

I was worried of the changes in my workout routine. But I have proven to myself that it's really the limiting of calories and just staying active daily (I.e. Walking, going up steps, hauling around luggage or heavy shoulderbag) that has made the weight continue to drop off! I'm still jogging each morning, but not doing my 75-85 min cardio workout that I do in the gym since that's hard to do while traipsing across Italy! I'm jogging about 45-50 mins in the mornings in the cities and towns I'm in. And the runs have been phenomonal! Gorgeous, inspiring. Plus I can figure out where all I want to wander for the day.

If you're not pro-ana, please don't bother to chastise. But for those that are: I keep going all day long with Coke Light (diet coke), sugar free gum and mints, and mixing a teeeeeny amount of milk or pure fruit juice with a bottle of water, sweetener and a teeeny dash of salt. Makes a sweet, tasty drink that fills the belly, gives a dabble of calories to keep me going and curbs cravings. Then I go chew/spit delicious local foods (obviously alone in my hotel room!!!) to satisfy cravings when I'm truly getting spent. Drinking lots of water with that to make sure I can spit it all out, it's working great! One of the true advantages of traveling alone!!! God, the food in can imagine. And being able to C/S, I can "experience" it, enjoy and savor the flavor, then get rid of it. Perfect.

I've continued to lose (I can tell because my clothes are looser and I see a xylophone now, wooohoo) and it works. More inspiration for you guys: you CAN achieve your goals, just stay focused and be proud of yourself.

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