Thursday, July 30, 2009


Week at my parents' place almost fully survived! And I gotta say, it hasn't been bad at all. I've eaten around them and my friends with fresh vegetables and fruits when necessary. I must say that reading all of your fantastic blogs helps a LOT. It inspires me and makes me feel comforted knowing there are others out there that understand what all this is like in their own way...even if we don't know each other in person.

I've been going to a nearby gym here and really enjoying it! I also am finding I'm dealing okay with being flexible to schedules, which sometimes don't allow me to have the morning workout (i.e. driving to appointments or the airport super early) I'm used to, if any at all. Even if I miss a day, I know I'll be fine, stay on body will feel better for the time to recoup anyway. And I'll be more pumped to blast into a new workout when I am able to do so again. It's just another expression of the obsessive compulsiveness that those of us with EDs (and especially anas, I think) can have. However, as I've gotten older and "matured" (lol) I realize that, in many ways, the OCD behaviors can be quite useful. First of all, it DOES keep you on track and you have more motivation to not eat or work out than people that aren't obsessive. But if you channel it into other areas of life it can truly work to your benefit. Namely, your career. I find that channeling my obsessiveness into working hard for my clients, doing the best job I can do, working until I feel I've given my best...builds great relationships and brings in new clients all the time. So, score for anas! :)

I met up with my college girlfriend/roommate yesterday for the first time in 4 years since we graduated. It was cool because I am still as lithe and feeling thin and fabulous as I was in's taken the past 6 months to crawl out of my sloppy binging and weight gain to get myself back down to the athletic routines and very slender physique that I used to have, but GOD is it worth it. Ladies, keep strong and know that even when it seems like you've gained and "lost your touch", never to get back down to your thin self again...YOU CAN. It takes baby steps, you just start little by little: reducing your food intake or caloric intake bit by bit, changing up your workouts a little at a time...suddenly you'll realize you're on track again! And then you know you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to. Anything in your career, anything with your goals in life, traveling the world, starting a company---if you have the determination it takes to live with ana, you really have so much more going for you than 98% of society. Make it your asset, not your weakness!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Getting Closer

3 more pounds lost! Changed up my morning routine a bit. Never ran on a treadmill before, always just outside. I found that the treadmill keeps me running fast--I can't slow down and get lazy like I can on the road. Wow! Great workout in less time: more effort, higher heart rate, more calories burned but less time. Super.

Morning routine this week: 40 min. run outside, then 35 min elliptical, 10 min treadmill run

I'm finding that if I need to go all day without being able to c/s (because c/s-ing keeps me from thinking of food and going through the agonizing, obsessive food thoughts all day keeps me "sane" and I still don't eat though I get to "experience" the food before spitting it...don't get me started on this...I can go on and on! lol), I'll have veggies or light eating throughout the day if I must be with others. For instance, at work all day (I'm project manager for a construction company, so the guys are in and out all day long in the office), I'll have a couple bowls of lettuce with seasoning or FF dressing when I get to the point of being really, really hungry and my head is starting to thump. That generally makes me even MORE hungry, so about an hour or two later, I'll cut up 3-4 red, orange and green peppers, or a few tomatoes with salt and pepper, or a grapefruit and eat that. By doing this, I can keep myself going on an even keel throughout the day when I need to be "on". My job can get hectic and very busy--which I love because it makes the day fly--but I need to be able to think clearly and keep upbeat. If I'm not alone to c/s, then I'll eat the veggies to keep going. That also keeps me still motivated to go to the gym on the way home from work to lift weights and stretch for 20-30 mins.

I come home and c/s to curb my hungry stomach for the evening. You can't chew/spit just any'll consume a lot more than you think. You have to pick foods like soft breads that you can chew and spit without juice or sugar or cream or oil or other liquid running down your throat. So sandwiches, breads, donuts, pretzels, pasta without much sauce (so it's dry), pizza, french fries (with a little ketchup, not much), chicken nuggets...that sort of thing.

I don't know whether restricting, exercising and then c/s-ing is an anorexic thing or bulemic...I used to be a hardcore anorexic in my teens. Then I "recovered" somewhat but gained weight and felt like shit even though everyone else seemed reassured. No more of that. I was so much more proud of myself when I could feel and see hip bones! I have attitude, personality, determination, motivation and "hutzpah" when I'm thin and feeling good...I am cranky and feel so crappy otherwise. I'm not nearly as outgoing, motivated or energetic. I don't accomplish as much...or don't feel like trying to.

So I'm heading back home to visit my family and stay with my parents for a week starting Friday. I'm thinking it will be a perfect time to try the ABC diet...anyone have suggestions, experience, resources or thoughts on this? I'll be around my parents who, especially my mom, are very perceptive to my eating habits and make sure I'm still "healthy" and not "too thin", etc. etc. So I'll need to eat something in front of them to keep them reassured...and I won't have the opportunity to c/s every evening unless it's late at I'll need to cope otherwise. Oh well, maybe I'll lose a few more pounds because of it!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Ever one day?

Being single at this stage in my life, living in my own place, I am grateful to be on my own and to have the solitude so I can live with my ED in peace. I often wonder if I will ever get married or have a serious relationship...I have in the past but always work fiercely to conceal my disorder and in the past couple years have ended several relationships because I didn't want them to get too close. Will I ever be able to handle living with another person again? How do you guys do it, the ones I read about who are getting married or are married with a family?

I am flying home to visit my family and stay with my parents in a week. Again I'll go through hoops to conceal my disorder that they think I gave up years ago. Staying up late at night to chew/spit when everyone is in bed after eating nothing all day, then being really sleepy during the day because of it...finally looking forward to coming back home to my own place for solitude again...this cycle has gone on for years. I don't want to give it up enough to break it, obviously. Will I ever? I'll make a decision to stop cold, wake up to a new day and eat "normally", etc...and that will last about 2 days. Then it's back to the comfort zone. Forever?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I am 2 people.

During the day, around others, I'm outgoing, motivated, friendly, upbeat, bouncy. Then I come home alone and I turn into someone else. A slave to addiction, caving to c/s-ing after going all day without but not being able to control it when I'm alone. It's revolting, it's beyond disgusting...and yet I could care less when I'm on the binging warpath, chewing anything I can throw into my mouth then spitting it out...for hours...then feeling grossly ugly at the end but knowing that tomorrow will be the same. How do you break the cycle? I can break it for a day sometimes...but what gets me through is knowing the next day I'll be able to "return to my old habits". Ugh.

Starting Thursday Off

Gym: 10 min treadmill, walk then running; 55 min elliptical with sprinting; 15 min bike

Then 1/2 c. light choc soymilk blended with 1.5 liter water and sweetner to drink and fill up my stomach and chew/spit 6 danishes.

Let's go, I'm ready for the day.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Getting there

New workout this morning: 20 mins running hills (5 pretty large hills), 45 mins elliptical, 15 mins bike. Not bad! My legs can feel it now, the glorious "hard-workout" spent feeling. I haven't had that for a long time until getting inspired again's wonderful to feel like I'm getting back to it. 9 lbs to lose in the next 9 days. Yesterday and today I only consumed liquids: a "smoothie" blend of water, a spoonful of yogurt and a spoonful of dry non-fat milk and sweetner 3 times, 2 cups black coffee and about 2 cups of light chocolate soymilk. I did my usual c/s last night...I know that I consume some without meaning to when I do that. It's inevitable, I think--it's just a matter of knowing which foods to chew that won't slip down my throat before I spit back. Soft breads, sandwiches, donuts work fine. Anyway. Doing the same thing today. Haven't weighed for 2 days...we'll see. Does anyone have weight loss pills that they use that work for them? I have resisted getting addicted to any thus far so I shouldn't go that route...but that or laxatives is very tempting...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Morning Kick Start

This AM: run--40 mins outside on the road, hills; gym--45 mins elliptical with average heart rate of 130. Day 2 of this, feeling great and feeling proud of myself. At 123; goal is to lose 9 more pounds in 1 1/2 weeks before I fly home to visit friends and family. I can do it!! I know I can!! Yesterday was a "good" eating day, eating low cal all day with just veggies and yogurt smoothies every few hours to keep myself from eating the countertop. Today I don't plan to eat except for the yogurt smoothies and c/s-ing to conquer cravings...

Monday, July 13, 2009

A Few Favorite Thinspo Pics


I read the blogs of so many of you amazing people who are striving for excellence, suffering in silence, aiming for thin perfection and dancing behind a veil of struggle. You have my greatest respect, because with you all I feel like I am not alone. I can understand what you are saying, either because I am currently feeling it or have in the past.

Anorexia and I have had a relationship for 11 years now. I have morphed from anorexia into a horrid habit of chewing & spitting for the past 5 years. As such, my weight has gone up and down as I've gotten sloppy with the chewing/spitting or gone through periods of trying to eat "normally" with regular meals, etc. around other people. I "lost my touch" and now am fiercely determined to redefine the willpower of my anorexic self to get to my GW of 110-112. I am currently 123 (lost 3 pounds in the past week, yay!) and have been on this renewed mission for about 2 1/2 weeks. My HW was 158...NEVER FUCKING EVER AGAIN. This past winter I was up to 135...NEVER FUCKING EVER AGAIN. My LW was 91. I don't want to be that low, I realize I looked hideous. And I was truly miserable, no longer proud to be thinner than everyone else. I was desperate to try to put a couple pounds on again. Well, I did. Now I'm back to getting myself wrangled into gear.

2 1/2 weeks ago I joined the local gym at a nearby resort. I used to run outside and then go to the gym every day for years...then dropped off this past year for a little over a year, only running daily for an hour or hr and 20 mins but half-heartedly. Now I am fabulously thrilled that I'm enjoying mixing it up again, I look forward to it, I love it again! For 11 years I've been a runner, always outdoors. To the point of causing injury from over-doing it over the years several times. Learning to find a balance and moderate my obsessive compulsiveness is always a challenge. But now mixing shorter runs with going to the gym and getting on the treadmill and elliptical, my body is more balanced and I'm very proud of myself. Plus I'm working new muscles and getting back to weight lifting to get the toned, tight figure we all strive for.

Anyway. I still chew/spit daily and am working now, in my renewed vengence, to go at least one day a week of eating little calories and not binging with the chew/spit. If I c/s, it helps to calm my cravings. I don't want to stop doing it entirely for that reason. But I need to limit it because I can get sloppy and it starts showing up as extra weight. I get to obsessive and hook myself on it, thinking about it all day, not eating anything, then c/s-ing for hours at night alone in my apartment. I end up feeling horribly disgusting and going to bed vowing to not do it the next day--to start fresh and eat healthy, very low cal foods, keep my daily intake low and not go nuts. If I can even do that one day a week, that will be a good start and will help take off pounds. Balancing that with runs and the gym for cardio in the mornings and lifting weights, stretching, Pilates in the afternoons is going to whip me back into my Ana self that was so determined and not so sloppy as I've become.

So this is my intro and I'm very, very honored to launch into this blog. It serves as an outlet so someone can hear the experiences and thoughts that I can share with no one else. Many, many thanks to all of you for just listening.