I read the blogs of so many of you amazing people who are striving for excellence, suffering in silence, aiming for thin perfection and dancing behind a veil of struggle. You have my greatest respect, because with you all I feel like I am not alone. I can understand what you are saying, either because I am currently feeling it or have in the past.
Anorexia and I have had a relationship for 11 years now. I have morphed from anorexia into a horrid habit of chewing & spitting for the past 5 years. As such, my weight has gone up and down as I've gotten sloppy with the chewing/spitting or gone through periods of trying to eat "normally" with regular meals, etc. around other people. I "lost my touch" and now am fiercely determined to redefine the willpower of my anorexic self to get to my GW of 110-112. I am currently 123 (lost 3 pounds in the past week, yay!) and have been on this renewed mission for about 2 1/2 weeks. My HW was 158...NEVER FUCKING EVER AGAIN. This past winter I was up to 135...NEVER FUCKING EVER AGAIN. My LW was 91. I don't want to be that low, I realize I looked hideous. And I was truly miserable, no longer proud to be thinner than everyone else. I was desperate to try to put a couple pounds on again. Well, I did. Now I'm back to getting myself wrangled into gear.
2 1/2 weeks ago I joined the local gym at a nearby resort. I used to run outside and then go to the gym every day for years...then dropped off this past year for a little over a year, only running daily for an hour or hr and 20 mins but half-heartedly. Now I am fabulously thrilled that I'm enjoying mixing it up again, I look forward to it, I love it again! For 11 years I've been a runner, always outdoors. To the point of causing injury from over-doing it over the years several times. Learning to find a balance and moderate my obsessive compulsiveness is always a challenge. But now mixing shorter runs with going to the gym and getting on the treadmill and elliptical, my body is more balanced and I'm very proud of myself. Plus I'm working new muscles and getting back to weight lifting to get the toned, tight figure we all strive for.
Anyway. I still chew/spit daily and am working now, in my renewed vengence, to go at least one day a week of eating little calories and not binging with the chew/spit. If I c/s, it helps to calm my cravings. I don't want to stop doing it entirely for that reason. But I need to limit it because I can get sloppy and it starts showing up as extra weight. I get to obsessive and hook myself on it, thinking about it all day, not eating anything, then c/s-ing for hours at night alone in my apartment. I end up feeling horribly disgusting and going to bed vowing to not do it the next day--to start fresh and eat healthy, very low cal foods, keep my daily intake low and not go nuts. If I can even do that one day a week, that will be a good start and will help take off pounds. Balancing that with runs and the gym for cardio in the mornings and lifting weights, stretching, Pilates in the afternoons is going to whip me back into my Ana self that was so determined and not so sloppy as I've become.
So this is my intro and I'm very, very honored to launch into this blog. It serves as an outlet so someone can hear the experiences and thoughts that I can share with no one else. Many, many thanks to all of you for just listening.