Saturday, December 26, 2009

Anas Surviving Christmas

Congrats, y'all -

Christmas day is almost past now and we've made it through. Whether you binged today, indulged in food or got trapped in a situation where you couldn't avoid it--it's over now. It's behind you and you won't have the stress of the extra food and family around in the coming days. If you survived by being able to hide or avoid eating--kudos! I managed to pick around with our Christmas dinner food and get away with not eating anything but lettuce. I avoided eating until this afternoon and then had "a snack" in front of everyone before the big dinner, so they could all be assured that I'm eating. I pulled out meats, cheeses, etc. and lettuce to look like I was tossing together salad with stuff in it, but I really just ate some bowls of lettuce. Then we roasted individual cornish hens for Christmas dinner. My mom had sweet potatoes and sour kraut, too--but they all know I don't eat pasta/bread/potatoes, and the hen was a lot of food so I could say I didn't have room for the kraut. So with the hen, I just pulled it all apart with my fingers, kept wiping my hands in towels--and putting the hunks of meat from the bones in the towels. Tossed the towels with the food away and voila! Christmas dinner passed and no worries. After "eating the whole hen" I was "too full for dessert" or anything else, so it has passed by fine. How did you guys do?

Monday, December 7, 2009

Thinspo Pics As We Roll Towards the Holidays

Victoria Beckham: Gorgeous? Too Thin?

The Skinny Website has a recent post with photos of Ms. Victoria. I've always used her as thinspo. What do you guys think? Is she too thin, or is she motivational?

Monday, November 30, 2009

Holidays and Boyfriends When You Have an ED

Ok, how did you survive the dawn of holiday season--Thanksgiving? I made plans to attend 2 dinners, and told each I stopped by the other one and ate so I got by without needing to eat their meals. It worked out great; brought my anxiety level WAAAY down once I got the brilliant idea to play it that way.

And now I'm making the moves, understanding myself and encouraging myself to move forward and become involved in a serious relationship. And that means sharing meals together, activities that involve food or drinking or whatnot, having someone want to share treats with you and watch you if you drop too low in's a big deal anyway, and even more so when you have an ED--especially one you try hard to keep secret to the world. But the alternative is that I run away from relationships...because why? I have an ED? And then what would I do? So I choose the relationships. It's all about growth, challenges and LIFE. I am NOT abandoning you, Ana. i'm here. I just want to try my hand at this relationship and still maintain my strongest one, my Ana relationship.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Monday, November 9, 2009

Gemma Ward's Weight Gain: good or bad?

Yikes! Gemma Ward, formally very slim super model, has put on weight and is getting slack for it. I think she was stunning at her lower weight.

You can see recent photos on the site, What do you think?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Sticking It Out: Tips for Suppressing Appetite

1. Chew gum. There are so many varieties and brands of sugar-free gum. Chew stick after stick to keep good flavor in your mouth and keep distracted.

2. Drink. Diet soda, Crystal Light, coffee, espresso, teas, diet juices. Fill yourself up by drinking a LOT.

3. Suck on hard sugar-free candies. Like #1.

4. Eat negative calorie foods! They keep your metabolism rolling, fake your brain out by the chewing/swallowing of food...and don't add any worry. Lettuce, celery, green/red/orange/yellow peppers, green beans (frozen or steamed or raw), cauliflower.

5. When you eat negative calorie foods, eat on a small plate using chopsticks. This will slow you down and make you feel like you're having more if you have 2-3 servings from the tiny plate or bowl.

6. Drink more coffee.

7. Chew more gum.

8. Go try on clothes that are too tight for you.

9. Pop in a movie with a slim character whose body you admire or pick up a fashion magazine and cut out photos of inspiration.

10. Go hang out with a friend who's thinner or whose body you aspire to.

11. Paint your nails, dye your hair, try on a new make-up scheme, exfoliate. Take care of your beauty, nurture it.

12. Open a can of FF broth (chicken, beef or veg), heat it and eat. Can be very satisfying.

13. Go clothes shopping, browse and try on.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

With Halloween & Candy Around, Here's Before & After Thinspo

Those in America may be surrounded with Halloween candy this's to sticking to your guns.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Sampling of My Favorite Ana Tips & Tricks

- Water: Love it. Drink it cold, chills you down, which burns cals. Drink it warm, it fills you up and comforts a hungry stomach. Water down your food, makes it mushy and unappealing. Drink lots of it; keeps you hydrated and keeps you full. Flavor it with Crystal Light or other sugar-free drink mixes.

- Try on clothes smaller than your size. It can be frustrating but keeps you motivated.

- Eat a meal with family or friends every couple days to keep them from being suspicious or insistent on eating. Offer to make the meal to share with your family, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, whatever. Make something that's easy to either hide and dispose of, or push around to look like you've eaten it: baked potato in aluminum foil (can unwrap, cut up, mush around then use foil to place on top to hide it so it looks like you ate from it), shrimp, crab legs, mussels, oysters--anything with a shell to peel (you can peel it then use the shell to pile up on top and leave the food hidden underneath so you don't have to eat it)...and then serve it with a salad that you actually eat from.

- Use chopsticks to eat. It's stylish and also slows you down, forces you to consider each bite.

- Use seasonings to spice up and flavor very low-cal foods like lettuce, mushrooms, broccoli. Chicken bouillion powder, onion powder, garlic, grilled chicken seasonings, lemon pepper, dried tomato & basil, etc.

-"..DESTROY your image of food. if im alone (this sounds gross) i get some food say some cake,bread, chocolates. instead of eating them get them out and just squish them up in your hands. feel how gross they feel seeping between your fingers. just find a bin and wash your hands after.

-Pamper yourself--you're beautiful! You're motivated! Keeping good hair, good nails, shaven legs, exfoliated skin, moisturized skin...keeps you feeling proud and good about yourself.

- Vitamins are very important. Take them daily.

- Sugar free jello is a great food to fill ya up and offer flavor. Sugar free candies (LifeSavers, Go Lightly, Baskin Robbins, etc.) are also tasty. Sugar free gum keeps your mouth full of flavor and occupied. Breathmints can also keep your mouth with flavor and stave off hunger.

- Flip through fantastic fashion magazines daily (or visit websites): Vogue, Vanity Fair, Elle, etc. Pull out ads that have fashions or makeup that you like. Keep them in a folder or somewhere you see daily. Keep your focus positive; use the images as inspiration. You're on your way to embracing the same look for yourself! You can do it! You can do anything you truly set your mind to.

- If you are trying to look like you are eating always 'fiddle' with the food. For instance, "eat" chicken when with others. Peel off the chicken skin (and meat, too, but discretely), use your fingers to pull and pick at it, then use a towel to wipe your greasy hands...subtly putting the meat in the towel and throw away. Then you're left with chicken bones and happy company that thinks you ate! You can munch on a salad, too, to finish off the "meal" without really having to eat anything more than lettuce and veggies!

- Brush your teeth often. Keep your mouth fresh, especially if you're purging.

- Drink a load of water before and during a binge if you're going to purge. Makes it come up easier.

- Keep busy! Working, going out, shopping, chatting or surfing the web, cleaning, volunteering, spending time out with friends, pursuing a career...all keeps you focused on other things and upbeat.

- Read other ana blogs and visit websites. We're a strong, fantastic community that can be very supportive and inspiring!

Thanks to for inspiration and sharing ideas!

Friday, October 23, 2009


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Thin is so nice

Finally achieving what feels like my GW. Whew.
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Thursday, October 22, 2009

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Techniques for Suppressing Appetite

Gotta get through the day without cals but still need to stay sane without feeling like your stomach is turning in and eating itself? These techniques work for me:

- drink coffee when you start to feel like you can't concentrate, or you're getting really hungry
- drink diet soda; there's tons of flavors in so many brands; one of my faves is a diet chocolate cherry soda...yum
- drink, drink, drink! I take a gallon of water, add a spoonful of fat free yogurt (peach, vanilla, strawberry banana, mango, lemon...lots of choices) and about 1/4 c to 1/3 c low-fat or fat free milk. Add tons of sugar free sweeteners and a bit of salt. Shake. You drink all that, your stomach is super full...and you've only consumed a small amount. Keeps me going.
- chew sugar-free gum, lots of it; again, many flavors to choose from
- suck on sugar free candies after the gum stops working to keep you from that intense hunger; they're tasty and can quell the hunger pangs
- with no one around, put food in your mouth and spit it back out
- smell food: open a bag of chips or cookies, stick your nose in, imagine eating them and take in the aroma...sometimes helps, sometimes makes it worse
- suck on ice cubes made from sugar-free juice

Monday, October 12, 2009

God Bless Lettuce.

Lettuce can be surprisingly tasty and filling! I've been consuming only some milk and FF yogurt each day and then a head or two of iceburg lettuce. By adding seasonings like Garlic & Basil or Mrs. Dash's seasonings or Grillmates and/or others, then by spraying a few squirts of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" on top---it can be delicious!

I eat with chopsticks always--slows me down and makes me concentrate on each bite.

Morning: little milk, a spoonful of yogurt
Afternoon: 1-2 heads of iceburg lettuce
Mid-Afternoon: sugar free gum and breathmints and diet soda
Evening: chew/spit whatever

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Toxic Thinspo

Taking Vitamins & Supplements: Which are faves for those with EDs?

What vitamins and/or supplements do you guys take, if you do?

I take:
- cayenne pepper (for metabolism and circulation)
- calcium, magnesium, zinc
- tumeric (immune defense)
- omega 3 fish oil (protein, circulation)
- folic acid (metabolism, immune defense)

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Recent Photo of Tori Spelling

Meh, I think she looks nicely thin but this is coming from my distorted ana viewpoint that can be soooo very bitchy so take that with a grain of salt.

All things considered, not bad.

Last night's date, in which I was worried about my swollen legs/ankles/feet being noticed, came off fine after all. I wore loose-legged flare pants with a fitted waist and looked fine. We even ended up getting busy in the shower and he didn't notice...then again, men can get nicely distracted when you're having sex so I shouldn't have been so worried. :) Dinner came off fine: he made salmon and mushrooms sauteed in BUTTER and I lightly grilled fresh (no oil or butter) asparagus to go with it. I was able to cut large chunks of the the salmon/butter steak and drop into my napkin to give the impression of eating almost the entire thing. He was thrilled and excited to see me eat with "such an appetite!"Now when people say to him that I'm looking thin, he can vouch that he's eaten with me and I'm fine. Tossed the wine in my dark-colored glass for Pierre water and the evening came off very well.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


So now back home.

Back from the overseas galavanting, I am so freaking grateful to report that things were fabulous. I also learned that it's not working out obsessively for 90-120 mins a day that makes me's simply restricting cals. I wasn't able to keep up my gym routine in Italy, obviously, and that intially had me really stressed. But then I adapted by running around the streets of where I was staying for 40-50 mins in the mornings, and walking everywhere. And I lost weight! I was surprised! I was only jogging 45 mins/day and then walking around and still losing weight? And here at home I've been working out hard for over an hour daily and thinking that would make it come off faster. But simply restricting and hardly consuming calories made the most difference.

So, that was a nice surprise. I return thinner and everyone's been commenting on me being too thin and losing weight while vacationing in Italy with the world-famous cuisine. Which is wonderful, it's so so so amazing when you finally get to the point of being on the "too thin" side. You work so long and so hard to get to that point, you have to just simply savor it for a bit.

My only issue is this horrid swelling of my legs, ankles and feet every evening. Like really swollen. I've been reading online about "edema" with people with EDs. I'm not sure exactly what nutrient it is that my body needs to make things circulate better again. I'll take it in a heartbeat when I find out. I read about protein difficiencies, so last night I ate a half can of tuna and I drink about 2-3 cups of milk and have about 1-2 cups of yogurt a day to keep going. I guess I need more protein? The swelling is awful and very very embarrassing. I can't go out without big-legged pants on because it's so noticeable! I have a date tomorrow night and I'm hoping to death that I can sit on the floor, lounge on the couch with my legs propped up, and keep moving around to keep the circulation going so that my legs won't get so swollen. It's ridiculous. I'm hoping if I eat a bit of protein each day (i.e. tuna, egg whites, steamed pollack, salmon) that it will start to ease up...eeesh. Anyone else ever deal with this??

Over the weekend my legs were really ache-y, like to the point I could hardly lift my legs because my thighs were so achey with muscle soreness. That's when I really started to get alarmed and sat down to research what I can find on the internet. Hence eating the tuna last night, and a half cup of blueberries and a head of lettuce for the day. And a head of lettuce the day before, along with the milk and the yogurt as usual.

If anyone's heard of this, knows any suggestions or has any thoughts...I am def all ears!

As always, thanks SO much for listening/reading.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Pressure's On

These are the times I'm grateful for an espressive outlet to share anxiety with those who truly understand. I've traveled 2 weeks solo in Italy and have been absolutely thrilled to find I can do it, keep thin, feel good and stay on top of my game. It's one thing to travel and do it solo; EDs are easy to maintain when you're on your own! But today I meet up with my Italian girlfriend to stay with her for the weekend, with her wedding on Saturday. I'll be staying with her and other wedding guests for the weekend, participating in the preparations and all the traditional wedding festivities. On one hand, how cool to experience an Italian wedding! On the other hand, yikes. I've gotten so deliciously comfortable being on my own that joining people again and getting myself through the 6-8 course Italian meals, wines, discos, etc will be...interesting. As an ana, I'm not worried about temptation. Shit, I can go for days on sugar-free gum, breathmints, diet coke (er, "Coke Light" here in Europe) and a bit of milk or yogurt. It's the avoidance of food in social situations that can be a dance. However, I find it's better when you're in groups or crowds-people don't notice as you toss your food into a napkin or hide under potato skins or whatever.

So off I go! It's only 2 1/2 days...this eve through Sun morning. I can do that. I appreciate your interest and compassion as always!! Thanks so very much for reading.

Ciao for now...more to come. If I can do it, you can too, right? Helps to hear how others manage because you gain confidence in yourself.

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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Finally getting there

Trying to upload pics via my Blackberry as I'm traveling. Ladies, gents, whomever: let me assure you--when you set your mind on your goal, TRULY, you WILL reach it.

I was petrified to travel overseas for two weeks because I was afraid of missing workouts and not being able to continue my weight loss. But my mind was set when I took flight, prepared with a little "self-motivation" thinspo folder of images and affirmations to read if I needed. I also picked up fashion magazines from abroad to study the images and become them.

I was worried of the changes in my workout routine. But I have proven to myself that it's really the limiting of calories and just staying active daily (I.e. Walking, going up steps, hauling around luggage or heavy shoulderbag) that has made the weight continue to drop off! I'm still jogging each morning, but not doing my 75-85 min cardio workout that I do in the gym since that's hard to do while traipsing across Italy! I'm jogging about 45-50 mins in the mornings in the cities and towns I'm in. And the runs have been phenomonal! Gorgeous, inspiring. Plus I can figure out where all I want to wander for the day.

If you're not pro-ana, please don't bother to chastise. But for those that are: I keep going all day long with Coke Light (diet coke), sugar free gum and mints, and mixing a teeeeeny amount of milk or pure fruit juice with a bottle of water, sweetener and a teeeny dash of salt. Makes a sweet, tasty drink that fills the belly, gives a dabble of calories to keep me going and curbs cravings. Then I go chew/spit delicious local foods (obviously alone in my hotel room!!!) to satisfy cravings when I'm truly getting spent. Drinking lots of water with that to make sure I can spit it all out, it's working great! One of the true advantages of traveling alone!!! God, the food in can imagine. And being able to C/S, I can "experience" it, enjoy and savor the flavor, then get rid of it. Perfect.

I've continued to lose (I can tell because my clothes are looser and I see a xylophone now, wooohoo) and it works. More inspiration for you guys: you CAN achieve your goals, just stay focused and be proud of yourself.

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Friday, August 28, 2009


Me, finishing sprint triathlon 2 years ago

Traveling to Italy

Monday morning I leave for Italy for 2 weeks. Traveling solo, meeting a friend at the end of the trip to be in her wedding before flying back home. Very excited!! Very excited to travel alone--both because it's intimidating, and also because I won't have to worry about people being around and needing to fake eating. I can do what I want. Chew/spit what I want in privacy of my hotel or apartment and then go about the day. I'm always nervous before traveling not knowing just how my workouts will work out. I've found public gyms in Rome and Florence, hopefully not too far from where I'm staying. I need to know I'll have that security so I can stay thin and keep off the weight I've lost. I'm very nervous about that. Ultimately do you stay thin and get thinner by not eating, or is it from working out too? When I got to my lowest at 89lbs with full-blown ana, I wasn't working out. I didn't have the strength. I just wasn't eating and getting through the days, one day at a time. And I got my weight very low. When I work out, I feel like I have to consume a wee bit of cals in order to have the energy to power through my work outs. But are they really what makes me get thinner, or is it the lack of food? I can analyze this shit for days. I seem to be on a plateau right now. I want to get off 3 more lbs in 2 weeks. Not impossible. But is the main issue to simply stay on as low of cals as possible, or is it also keeping up daily hard workouts? Do you think you lose weight from not eating a lot, or from working out really hard?

Look forward to checking in as I travel and keeping you comforting to have a support group via the internet even if I don't know y'all in person.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Which Burns More Calories: More Incline or Faster Speed?

Running on the treadmill in the mornings, doing intervals at higher speeds but keeping the same incline or even reducing the incline in order to maintain a higher speed, I get to wondering. Wonder which burns more calories, running at a decent pace at a high incline or keeping a moderate or lower incline but running at a high sprint?

What do you guys think?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Benefits of Chewing Gum

Chewing gum can be a great appetite suppressant, and very low cal when you chew sugar free. There's a plethora of sugar-free gums on the market. Sugar-free mints work well, too, for suppressing appetite: Breathsavers, SugarFree LifeSavers, SF Altoids, SF Ice Breakers, etc. I chew through packs a day; as soon as it loses its flavor or I am hungry, I spit out the piece and go for another. Anyway, there's an article just out that says it may also help with memory function, too. Even better, even if the supporting research is rather shaky.

Side Effects of ED?

I've recently started having my ankles and feet swell up in the later part of the day into the evening. I've changed up my workout routine in the past 6 weeks and feel great about it; losing weight, getting down to thinness again...I count my lucky stars that I'm able to be grabbing onto my ana ways from about 6 years ago and it's working. But I'm curious why, in the past week or two, my ankles keep swelling up. Circulation problems? It's weird, 'cause I have a nice, lean top but then elephant legs, ankles and feet! Anyone else have this problem after losing weight or increasing workouts or anything? Is bad circulation an ana thing? Just curious. Thanks, guys!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Preparing Meals When You Have to Eat With Others

When I'm in a situation where I have to eat with others, like on a date, with family or with a friend, I like to handle part or all of the meal preparation so I know what's in stuff (as many of us do). One dish I like to make that keeps the others satisfied and full--and let's me squeak by with as little cals as possible--is my "Protein Power Salad". I've made this for guys--brawny, football-type guys--and they love it, saying how amazed they are at how full it makes them. I love it because I can stuff their salad bowls with all the goodies and then have a layer of lettuce, raw mushrooms, and some slivers of veggies on both bowls. My bowl, however, is full of mostly just lettuce. So the bowls look the same--but one is full of lettuce and one is full of nuts, seeds, croutons, raisins, tomatoes, peppers, etc. to make a solid dish. By putting a lettuce layer on top and then sprinkling slivers of vegetables and seasonings, the bowlfuls look colorful and fancy. Keep all the "calories" on top of your bowl--i.e. slivers of tomatoes, onions, peppers, whatever--so it looks like they're in the whole salad (but really, they're just on the top). You can sprinkle cheese on the other person's salad for more flavor for them, as well as seasonings. You can stick to just seasonings for yours to avoid the fat and cals but keep it looking very colorful.

"Power Salad" Recipe:
Both Bowls:
- Lettuce (particularly different kinds, because looks better)

Other Person's Bowl:
- Tomatoes
- Croutons
- Walnuts
- Peanuts
- Raisins
- Red & Green Peppers
- Mushrooms
- Parmesean Cheese
- Snap Peas
- Seaseme Seeds
- broccoli

All tossed together with some lettuce. Fill your bowl with lettuce and a few bits of raw mushrooms and broccoli florets. On top, layer lettuce with slices of mushrooms, one or two tomato chunks, and seasonings. Sprinkle other person's with cheese and seasonings on top of their top layer. Now, they'll be full and have a crunchy, satisfying salad and you'll slip by with little calories and still be able to enjoy a meal with them.

Monday, August 17, 2009

"Smoothie" to Calm Hunger & Fill You Up

I live off of these to fill me up and keep me going with very little calories. It's mostly water with a little yogurt and milk for flavor. The water and the foam created from the blender is what fills you up.

1 tablespoon of FF yogurt, like Dannon Light 'N Fit
1 tablespoon FF dry milk (dry milk foams; other milk doesn't. I prefer the foam because I "eat" it off the top with a spoon and it's filling)
dash of salt (brings out the sweetness)
sweetner to taste (Equal, Splenda, Sweet'n Low or a mix of all three)
few bits of fruit if you want (very tiny bits of banana or strawberries can be quite flavorful, but not necessary)

Toss that into a full blender of water, like 1 liter. Blend fast for 5-10 seconds, making it foam up at the top (it's very weak, so it's mostly clear...but has flavor if you add enough sweetner and mix the right amount of salt to bring out that flavor). Use a large spoon to "eat" off the little layer of foam on top. Blend again, creating more foam. I "eat" the foam off the top all the way down to where there's hardly any left. Then I'm full with the bubbles and the water and it's actually pretty tasty.

I'm just weird, but aren't we all? Never hurts to share ideas.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

TIME Magazine's Latest Issue

I just received TIME magazine's latest issue. The cover feature article is about exercise and how it doesn't necessarily help much in losing's the eating and consumption (or lack thereof) of calories that makes the most difference. Exercise tends to make one's self-resolve for resisting more calories/food dissolve. After working out hard, you feel like it's okay to have that extra iced mocha or whatnot. And really, exercise doesn't burn off THAT many extra calories. Plus, if we exercise, we tend to be less active throughout the rest of the day.

I find that changing up my workout routine, my running, by increasing the intensity rather than the duration has seriously helped me to lose more weight. Rather than running longer at my usual pace, I've kicked it up to sprint and run harder but at a set amount of time. It's working well. So in that sense, it helps with losing being ana, we have the resolve to resist food so that's not as much of an issue for us. I dunno, I still give exercise credit.

What do you guys think?

Monday, August 10, 2009

Beautiful ThinSpo

Thanks a million to Depth Perfection's blog post today. Great video:

Always Worried About Something

So I worry and worry about my weight and reducing. Then I finally do--and I step on the scales to see my lowest number in years and I start worrying because I don't want to lose it, I want to stay at that weight. I finally make it and then start worrying about keeping it! Will the anxiety never end for an ana? No, I guess not.

Eating Tip

Hello, all!

I work in an office with people coming and going throughout the day randomly, in and out, stopping to chat or meet or whatever. As such, I can't find "safe" times to chew/spit throughout the day or whatnot...and going all day without anything makes me unable to think clearly by the afternoon. So I needed to do something about that. I've started taking food with me to work, stuff I'll actually eat: sprouts, a head of lettuce, a couple peppers or a box of cherry tomatoes. I've found that if I eat parts of a salad individually, it lasts longer and fills me up way better when I'm starving. So, for instance, I'll eat a bowl of lettuce (with seasonings it can be very tasty), then a handful of sliced pepper. Then a small cup of white, raw mushrooms. Breaking it down into 3 parts feels like more and I fill up better because it takes longer to eat so I actually digest and don't feel so hungry. It's a good way to look like you're eating a lot when you're around others, without actually doing so. Plus it helps you regain your energy when you're getting really low.

Thursday, July 30, 2009


Week at my parents' place almost fully survived! And I gotta say, it hasn't been bad at all. I've eaten around them and my friends with fresh vegetables and fruits when necessary. I must say that reading all of your fantastic blogs helps a LOT. It inspires me and makes me feel comforted knowing there are others out there that understand what all this is like in their own way...even if we don't know each other in person.

I've been going to a nearby gym here and really enjoying it! I also am finding I'm dealing okay with being flexible to schedules, which sometimes don't allow me to have the morning workout (i.e. driving to appointments or the airport super early) I'm used to, if any at all. Even if I miss a day, I know I'll be fine, stay on body will feel better for the time to recoup anyway. And I'll be more pumped to blast into a new workout when I am able to do so again. It's just another expression of the obsessive compulsiveness that those of us with EDs (and especially anas, I think) can have. However, as I've gotten older and "matured" (lol) I realize that, in many ways, the OCD behaviors can be quite useful. First of all, it DOES keep you on track and you have more motivation to not eat or work out than people that aren't obsessive. But if you channel it into other areas of life it can truly work to your benefit. Namely, your career. I find that channeling my obsessiveness into working hard for my clients, doing the best job I can do, working until I feel I've given my best...builds great relationships and brings in new clients all the time. So, score for anas! :)

I met up with my college girlfriend/roommate yesterday for the first time in 4 years since we graduated. It was cool because I am still as lithe and feeling thin and fabulous as I was in's taken the past 6 months to crawl out of my sloppy binging and weight gain to get myself back down to the athletic routines and very slender physique that I used to have, but GOD is it worth it. Ladies, keep strong and know that even when it seems like you've gained and "lost your touch", never to get back down to your thin self again...YOU CAN. It takes baby steps, you just start little by little: reducing your food intake or caloric intake bit by bit, changing up your workouts a little at a time...suddenly you'll realize you're on track again! And then you know you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to. Anything in your career, anything with your goals in life, traveling the world, starting a company---if you have the determination it takes to live with ana, you really have so much more going for you than 98% of society. Make it your asset, not your weakness!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Getting Closer

3 more pounds lost! Changed up my morning routine a bit. Never ran on a treadmill before, always just outside. I found that the treadmill keeps me running fast--I can't slow down and get lazy like I can on the road. Wow! Great workout in less time: more effort, higher heart rate, more calories burned but less time. Super.

Morning routine this week: 40 min. run outside, then 35 min elliptical, 10 min treadmill run

I'm finding that if I need to go all day without being able to c/s (because c/s-ing keeps me from thinking of food and going through the agonizing, obsessive food thoughts all day keeps me "sane" and I still don't eat though I get to "experience" the food before spitting it...don't get me started on this...I can go on and on! lol), I'll have veggies or light eating throughout the day if I must be with others. For instance, at work all day (I'm project manager for a construction company, so the guys are in and out all day long in the office), I'll have a couple bowls of lettuce with seasoning or FF dressing when I get to the point of being really, really hungry and my head is starting to thump. That generally makes me even MORE hungry, so about an hour or two later, I'll cut up 3-4 red, orange and green peppers, or a few tomatoes with salt and pepper, or a grapefruit and eat that. By doing this, I can keep myself going on an even keel throughout the day when I need to be "on". My job can get hectic and very busy--which I love because it makes the day fly--but I need to be able to think clearly and keep upbeat. If I'm not alone to c/s, then I'll eat the veggies to keep going. That also keeps me still motivated to go to the gym on the way home from work to lift weights and stretch for 20-30 mins.

I come home and c/s to curb my hungry stomach for the evening. You can't chew/spit just any'll consume a lot more than you think. You have to pick foods like soft breads that you can chew and spit without juice or sugar or cream or oil or other liquid running down your throat. So sandwiches, breads, donuts, pretzels, pasta without much sauce (so it's dry), pizza, french fries (with a little ketchup, not much), chicken nuggets...that sort of thing.

I don't know whether restricting, exercising and then c/s-ing is an anorexic thing or bulemic...I used to be a hardcore anorexic in my teens. Then I "recovered" somewhat but gained weight and felt like shit even though everyone else seemed reassured. No more of that. I was so much more proud of myself when I could feel and see hip bones! I have attitude, personality, determination, motivation and "hutzpah" when I'm thin and feeling good...I am cranky and feel so crappy otherwise. I'm not nearly as outgoing, motivated or energetic. I don't accomplish as much...or don't feel like trying to.

So I'm heading back home to visit my family and stay with my parents for a week starting Friday. I'm thinking it will be a perfect time to try the ABC diet...anyone have suggestions, experience, resources or thoughts on this? I'll be around my parents who, especially my mom, are very perceptive to my eating habits and make sure I'm still "healthy" and not "too thin", etc. etc. So I'll need to eat something in front of them to keep them reassured...and I won't have the opportunity to c/s every evening unless it's late at I'll need to cope otherwise. Oh well, maybe I'll lose a few more pounds because of it!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Ever one day?

Being single at this stage in my life, living in my own place, I am grateful to be on my own and to have the solitude so I can live with my ED in peace. I often wonder if I will ever get married or have a serious relationship...I have in the past but always work fiercely to conceal my disorder and in the past couple years have ended several relationships because I didn't want them to get too close. Will I ever be able to handle living with another person again? How do you guys do it, the ones I read about who are getting married or are married with a family?

I am flying home to visit my family and stay with my parents in a week. Again I'll go through hoops to conceal my disorder that they think I gave up years ago. Staying up late at night to chew/spit when everyone is in bed after eating nothing all day, then being really sleepy during the day because of it...finally looking forward to coming back home to my own place for solitude again...this cycle has gone on for years. I don't want to give it up enough to break it, obviously. Will I ever? I'll make a decision to stop cold, wake up to a new day and eat "normally", etc...and that will last about 2 days. Then it's back to the comfort zone. Forever?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I am 2 people.

During the day, around others, I'm outgoing, motivated, friendly, upbeat, bouncy. Then I come home alone and I turn into someone else. A slave to addiction, caving to c/s-ing after going all day without but not being able to control it when I'm alone. It's revolting, it's beyond disgusting...and yet I could care less when I'm on the binging warpath, chewing anything I can throw into my mouth then spitting it out...for hours...then feeling grossly ugly at the end but knowing that tomorrow will be the same. How do you break the cycle? I can break it for a day sometimes...but what gets me through is knowing the next day I'll be able to "return to my old habits". Ugh.

Starting Thursday Off

Gym: 10 min treadmill, walk then running; 55 min elliptical with sprinting; 15 min bike

Then 1/2 c. light choc soymilk blended with 1.5 liter water and sweetner to drink and fill up my stomach and chew/spit 6 danishes.

Let's go, I'm ready for the day.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Getting there

New workout this morning: 20 mins running hills (5 pretty large hills), 45 mins elliptical, 15 mins bike. Not bad! My legs can feel it now, the glorious "hard-workout" spent feeling. I haven't had that for a long time until getting inspired again's wonderful to feel like I'm getting back to it. 9 lbs to lose in the next 9 days. Yesterday and today I only consumed liquids: a "smoothie" blend of water, a spoonful of yogurt and a spoonful of dry non-fat milk and sweetner 3 times, 2 cups black coffee and about 2 cups of light chocolate soymilk. I did my usual c/s last night...I know that I consume some without meaning to when I do that. It's inevitable, I think--it's just a matter of knowing which foods to chew that won't slip down my throat before I spit back. Soft breads, sandwiches, donuts work fine. Anyway. Doing the same thing today. Haven't weighed for 2 days...we'll see. Does anyone have weight loss pills that they use that work for them? I have resisted getting addicted to any thus far so I shouldn't go that route...but that or laxatives is very tempting...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Morning Kick Start

This AM: run--40 mins outside on the road, hills; gym--45 mins elliptical with average heart rate of 130. Day 2 of this, feeling great and feeling proud of myself. At 123; goal is to lose 9 more pounds in 1 1/2 weeks before I fly home to visit friends and family. I can do it!! I know I can!! Yesterday was a "good" eating day, eating low cal all day with just veggies and yogurt smoothies every few hours to keep myself from eating the countertop. Today I don't plan to eat except for the yogurt smoothies and c/s-ing to conquer cravings...

Monday, July 13, 2009

A Few Favorite Thinspo Pics


I read the blogs of so many of you amazing people who are striving for excellence, suffering in silence, aiming for thin perfection and dancing behind a veil of struggle. You have my greatest respect, because with you all I feel like I am not alone. I can understand what you are saying, either because I am currently feeling it or have in the past.

Anorexia and I have had a relationship for 11 years now. I have morphed from anorexia into a horrid habit of chewing & spitting for the past 5 years. As such, my weight has gone up and down as I've gotten sloppy with the chewing/spitting or gone through periods of trying to eat "normally" with regular meals, etc. around other people. I "lost my touch" and now am fiercely determined to redefine the willpower of my anorexic self to get to my GW of 110-112. I am currently 123 (lost 3 pounds in the past week, yay!) and have been on this renewed mission for about 2 1/2 weeks. My HW was 158...NEVER FUCKING EVER AGAIN. This past winter I was up to 135...NEVER FUCKING EVER AGAIN. My LW was 91. I don't want to be that low, I realize I looked hideous. And I was truly miserable, no longer proud to be thinner than everyone else. I was desperate to try to put a couple pounds on again. Well, I did. Now I'm back to getting myself wrangled into gear.

2 1/2 weeks ago I joined the local gym at a nearby resort. I used to run outside and then go to the gym every day for years...then dropped off this past year for a little over a year, only running daily for an hour or hr and 20 mins but half-heartedly. Now I am fabulously thrilled that I'm enjoying mixing it up again, I look forward to it, I love it again! For 11 years I've been a runner, always outdoors. To the point of causing injury from over-doing it over the years several times. Learning to find a balance and moderate my obsessive compulsiveness is always a challenge. But now mixing shorter runs with going to the gym and getting on the treadmill and elliptical, my body is more balanced and I'm very proud of myself. Plus I'm working new muscles and getting back to weight lifting to get the toned, tight figure we all strive for.

Anyway. I still chew/spit daily and am working now, in my renewed vengence, to go at least one day a week of eating little calories and not binging with the chew/spit. If I c/s, it helps to calm my cravings. I don't want to stop doing it entirely for that reason. But I need to limit it because I can get sloppy and it starts showing up as extra weight. I get to obsessive and hook myself on it, thinking about it all day, not eating anything, then c/s-ing for hours at night alone in my apartment. I end up feeling horribly disgusting and going to bed vowing to not do it the next day--to start fresh and eat healthy, very low cal foods, keep my daily intake low and not go nuts. If I can even do that one day a week, that will be a good start and will help take off pounds. Balancing that with runs and the gym for cardio in the mornings and lifting weights, stretching, Pilates in the afternoons is going to whip me back into my Ana self that was so determined and not so sloppy as I've become.

So this is my intro and I'm very, very honored to launch into this blog. It serves as an outlet so someone can hear the experiences and thoughts that I can share with no one else. Many, many thanks to all of you for just listening.